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How to Maintain the Proper Balance of Security and Significance in Marriage

Part 3: Know What Makes Your Wife Tick Not What Ticks Your Wife

Part 1 What Makes Your Spouse TICK not What Ticks Your Spouse
Part 2 The Two Elements of Personal Worth

Earlier in this study we acknowledged the fact stated in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

            It was also noted this newly God-created one flesh relationship was unique in that, except through marriage, no other such relationship exists among mankind.

            It stands to reason, therefor, in marriage the male and female security and significance needs take on a new dimension. The husband and wife now must be equal supporters of each other’s needs.

            In essence, the mechanics are simple to follow, however, there are factors that inter into marriage that may not be expected. A father said it to his son in these words, “The girl you date is not the girl you marry.”

            In Chapter One of my book, The Tie That Binds ©1997, I tackle the issue this way in pre-marital counseling:

Love may be blind; but very often, It begins to see – after marriage.

            I quote from my book referencing the value of pre-marital counseling:

            “One could not invest too much time or effort in (quoting the title of an old, old love song) Getting to Know You, to take the shock out of getting married.

            “’What do you mean, shock?’ you might be saying. ‘But, we really love each other; and we are excited about getting married.’

            “This might be very true, but rather than debate the issue, let us look at issues that are already known to produce some of the most difficult communication breakdowns in marriages, and six primary areas from which just about all marriage crises stem.

            “It is commonly stated, that in marriage, opposites attract. Why is it them incompatibility is among the leading stated reasons for divorce?

            “ For many years we were told that the three problem areas in marriage were money, sex and in-laws. Studyt, personal observations, and years of counseling marraiges in rouble, howver, have added three categories to this original infamous trie: husband/wife role reversal, religion and lif-dominating sin.”

            Through pre-marital and marriage counseling couples can learn how tyo stop these six areas from destroyuing their marriage.

            The following episode plays itself out in the lives of many newly-weds. It is told through the bride’s perspective – but it is true of the groom also.

            Three thoughts capture a future bride’s mind as she plans for her special day: The aisle she will walk down to marry; the altar where she will be married, ad the hymn to be sung at the ceremony.

            It is said these three thoughts occupy her mind as she walks back up the aisle on the arm of her husband: I’ll alter him. Likewise, he is thinking I’ll alter her.

            Words are the most effective way to meet the needs of both the husband and the wife in every level of communication but especially in areas of security and significance.

Much has been said about words; much needs to be learned about words especially by newly-weds.

Emily Dickenson says in her limerick Words:

A word is dead when it is said, some say.     I say it just begins to live that day.

Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr. in his book The Marriage builder ©1982, makes this three-fold appraisal of words: “Words do one of three thiings: Words can give life; they can lay their and do nothing, or they can weild death.

In closing out this session, let me outline briefly the Gary Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D. approach from their book The language of Love ©1988.

They list five ways of communicating love they term as Emotional Love Language: Words, Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service and Quality Time.

Completing this exercise will tell you how to best communicate your love to your spouse. After completing this exercise you will always know how best to show your love to your spouse when fulfilling their expectations.

Here’s how.

First discuss and define what each words mean to each of you.

List how your needs can best be met through each one of these areas. One being the best; five being the least.

This article first published: Sept 17, 2014

Next Time: God’s Marriage Triangle

Tom C Lacy croppedRev. Thomas (Tom) C. Lacy, Advisory Board Member of the Virginia Christian Alliance and Founder and Director, of New Hope Counseling Service.



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